MUTYA

                         I woke up early today and took my breakfast i plan to read and answer again my program but my lazyness came and i feel want to sleep.. I sleep again and i prepare for my PM duty..

                        At the bus going from duty, i miss MR. A, thts me if im riding in a bus i am not looking inside, i am looking outside and enjoying the lights we are passing by at the same time thinking something... I miss him again, i am wondering if he also miss me.. It never comes to my mind that i will have relation to a married man.. Its the one thing i always say to my self - never go with a married man because i dont like to hurt others but we dont know the journey of our life, even i try not to but it happens... If someone will tell "i will introduce you this guy" i will always tell that i dont like because if he is not married maybe he is gay..  but despite of that still i got relation with married man.. It doesnt come to my mind that it will end up that i will fall, as time goes by as we always seeing each other and talking about our own life he became near to my heart... I swear i didnt intend to hurt others feeling i know  its a big sin but what can i do it happens with out intention...Now i try to move on, i will try to forget the feeling i felt for him but ofcourse i will not forget this man, he will always be my special friend, i accepted for what he is, i know he still have relation with other which is same nationality with me but its ok if he is happy with that, anyway im late already thats why i want to move on..

                     Owwww.. I need to finish my lesson now.. I will sleep late today..   

                     I started to read and answer my continue education program and i finished 2 chapter then i cook for our lunch.. Thats me im the one who's getting up early.. Thats why my flatmates call me mother even they are older than me. Im the one whose knows how to fix our lavatory when theres blockage im like plumber.. Before i fix our cable, i also tries to change the bulb of our light.. Thats why they always wait for me if there is something should be fix inside our flat... Im the one whom they want to decide what to buy for our groceries because i know how to budget and sometimes im the one who cook our although i dont know how i am trying to cook something sometimes i search the menu list in the internet.. Its the good of being independent, I can learn different things.....

                   Im Pm duty today little bit busy but still can manage. I thought i can read and answer atleast one chapter of my study but because we became busy i didnt read any thing and now im tired and maybe after sometime i will sleep. 

                   My friends flatmate text me she want to makes program on her laptop.. so after eating half bread i started to instaling some program on her computer. Before i fix my 2 flatmates laptop im so very happy that time because in the HP center they ask for 75KD for them and then i can fix that...Hmmm i think i need to rest now because i will wake up early.. Thank god for a wonderful day he gave to me.. 

                 Life  is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who  treat you right.. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe  everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance,  grab it with both hands.  If it changes your life, let  it.  Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised  it would be worth it.

                       Im morning duty today. One patient only assign for me today that is for barrium swallow my whole shift rotate only for this procedure. I remember Mr. A, before he is in our ward he always looking me if he didnt see me for long time he will txt or will ask me wehre i have been. We are using one locker and sometimes taking tea together if theres a chance. if we dont have same schedule i will give him ring so that he will know that i will come and we can have talk for a few minutes. Onetime i remember its saturday morning when we have same duty theres less patient he is sitting at room 3 near comfort room, when i am on the way to comfort room i gave him a kiss. He is shock and almost getting angry to me because maybe someone will saw us.. Thats me im so sweet and sometimes i express my self in a wrong way... He he he, im like a kid but i know a person will remember me as that one. I miss him so much the caring and love i felt even he didnt say, I miss that all... 

                        In the afternoon we went to the city to attend weekly mass. I confess to GOD all sins i have done this past few months. I know i have big sin with him and i hope he will forgive me... I promise this is the first and last time...Nobody is perfect and we should learn from our mistakes and i promise to my self i will not do that again, it is the biggest sin i ever done in my life... I want to forget him but how cani forget him if every corner of this country reminds of him... After the mass we went for booking of our flight for our soon vacation and i went to al mouthana for printing of my continue education program book ( Diabetes Essential for Nurses).. After that i went to small store and one female bought BARBICAN. How can i forgot him? Barbican is the brand of non alcoholic breverage that we always drink when we are going out..  Nway im happy for him i know he is happy already on where he is now although i know he suffer a hard time there because of low income but i know he can manage that because he is strong and brave..

                       I finished reading and answering two chapter of the book. I plan to finish this 13 chapter for one week, hope i will finished. I need to start new life and i should read atleast everyday... After my course for renewal of my US license finish i am planning to have self review for my IELTS exam.. Honestly speaking i failed for several times on this IELTS exam i dont know why.. I always feel nervous in speaking exam nway i just think everything has its own purpose and god knows when he will give that to me, i just need to wait and to pray. Although im not praying that he will give me all my wishes i just pray to give me what he wants for me and what his heart for me. I will accept that with all my heart. I want to thank god for the whole week, he shown to me a right path to start and to walk again in the light of his power. Thank you for the gift of heart and for the blessing i received and receiving, I hope everyone can appreciate the every gift god given for them...

                    I started my day 7:00am, even i slept late i will wake up early thats me. Even its my off day from the hospital i have so many things to do. I need to do all house hold chores and i need to start my continue education course. This is the life being alone and far from family. Your the one who will do everything for your self. When i went here i become more independent. I started my laundry thanks for my friend (washing machine) my work become less.. he he he.. Upon spinning the machine and waiting to finish my laundry, i started to plan my future... HHmmm i dont want to become nurse for life time, i dont want to see my self like other nurse whose riding on the bus who got edema on their feet because of getting old on their profession. Hmmm thats why i should plan for my future... HHHHmmmm i think i like to have my own business in the near future, if i have business i can spend more time for my future family.. I want to have business!!  i already have an idea of what business i will stablished but i need to study first for that one... Nway my XBF (MR. J) always waiting for me he wants business. Thats one of his dream to have business. He said he will wait for me. Maybe we have less time before with each other thats why i fall out of love with him and I always see is all of his mistakes. I remember he always told me im the only woman whom he wants to get married and to spend the rest of his life. Its a very flaterring when you hear that words that someone trust and love u so much. I dont want also to find another one difficult to fall then will leave you only. Mr. A has its own family thats why even i turn the earth upside down he will not be mine. Mr. J always there for me maybe god has own purpose i just need to look.. Maybe if i go home i will talk to mr J about our relation ship.  Nway Mr. A wants also for me to find someone who will love me and MR. J only is the one person whom loves me very much.

                 I went to internetcafe near to my hostel but unfortunately printer is not working... Oww its too hot outside today i think its about 40-45degree centigrade. Nway everything has its own purpose!! Thats me i look every failure or every unsucess work as a positive! Im optimistic kind of person..  Thats why when someone went out to my life oww its not a nice term because until now we are communicating with each other i rather use word SOME ONE WHO WENT HOME, i think that theres a nice and good purpose even i cried a lot i learn everything...  I remember my b-day! i spend my b-day with him of course in the morning i tried to go to church but it was close in the afternoon we eat ouside like before eating in the seaside.. Upon waiting for our order we sit outside the restaurant, the climate still nice a few stars u will see in the sky and the air is blowing smothly cold. We talk about our plan, 8days more he will go.. We are talking about what he will do when he will go home and will not come back anymore and what should i will do here and need to do. That what he is always telling and giving opinion to me. He is the one whose always talking, i dont know even i have a lot of idea i cannot talk to him when im in his front... After finish my order we eat near seaside and he gave a cute gift to me and he told that never to loose that one because if i loose that one it is the end of our communication... I also gave him a farewell gift that i want him to wear so that every time he will look that one he will remember me.. Its my favorite color comofladge he he he like army style, i like green color!!.. We went home 9pm because i have curfew.

                    I spend my whole day inside the hostel only. I finished washing clothes and ironing it. I put hot oil on my hair and taking a bath for almost an hour... I already finished my dinner i chose only vegetable salad and half apple, i started to have my diet again, i think i need to loose waight although im only 47kilos but its nice if my weight is less than 45kg becuase im only 5feet. Hmm i think i need to rest now im morning duty tom.  

                  I woke up early morning because i need to call to my agency for my continue education i needed to renew my NCLEX license that will expire next month. I need to send all the papers need for the renewal of my NCLEX and for the renewal of my local license... Luckly i have friend who will go home tom so i need to talk with her so i can save money for mailing...

                   Hmmmm i dont want to sleep again thats me i have only few sleep. If i woke up its difficult for me to sleep if im not tired... Again this day i remember MR. A.  Last May 4 around 11:45pm his flight i call him in his mobile im nyt duty that day i call him to say good bye and take care. My eyes already bulging because of the tears that constantly flowing to my eyes. Difficult if the person who become near to my heart will go. Its difficult if someone will go.. Its difficult to let him go but what can i do, i dont own him.. Someone needs him more than me, someone came already on his life before me. But i dont have regrets being with him. I just pray for the good future and best life for him in his chosen life. Im very happy that someone like him comes to my life. I hope in the near future we still see each other not only in web cam but also in person.. I hope i will see also the person who will love me. Although i never told him the 3 magic word but i admit it i fall to him.. I just dont like to hope.. I dont like also to get what for his family, thats why mostly im the one who spend when we are eating outside because i already get his time and attention, i dont like what for his family will go to me and he has also too many expenses and he need more money than me because he is about to go and also i feel guilty of what i am doing thats why even he want to spend for our food i dont like.. 

                 Prepared again for my Pm duty. We have only 5 pt so not that busy still holiday. Thats one of the nice thing in this country they have a lotsof holidays. I also plan for the continue education i need to finished before the end of this month.